Scratchwood Station

Mattaf · Posted: Sun Feb 07, 2010 10:03 pm Post subject:

*Matt wanders back into the Cafe*

Matt: Ah, facebook is loaded... wait... "Matt is offically coming out of the closet... it's true... I'm gay..."

*Matt looks up from the computer.*

Matt: CHARLIE!!!!!
_________________
Mattaf, Station Master
Scratchwood - "How the Rail Network Should be... sorta..."

charlierc · Posted: Sun Feb 07, 2010 11:35 pm Post subject:

*Meanwhile, on the roof, a rain-lashed individual in soaked clothes is snickering like Muttley the dog from Wacky Races.*

Charlie: HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!

Matt: CHARLIE GET YOUR F***ING BUTT DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!
Charlie: How about no?
Matt: Alright, I'm gonna lock the door so you have to spend the night up there...
Charlie: WHAT?!?
_________________
Charles, PA Announcer and light show guy (and owner of C&X Group).

Electricfox · Posted: Thu Feb 25, 2010 9:47 pm Post subject:

*Matt walks into the cafe, a chair is sitting near the door. Matt looks at it, and then kicks it and falls on his backside.*

Derek: "MAS-TER...HAVE YOU BEEN IN-TAK-ING AL-CO-HOL A-GAIN?!"
_________________
Jamie
The local 'Bobby'

charlierc · Posted: Fri Feb 26, 2010 3:22 pm Post subject:

*Keab marches in looking thoroughly agitated*

Keab: Coffee with brandy please. And make it cheap!
Matt *picking himself up off the floor*: Cheap! Where do you think you are - Aldi? And what's up with you anyway?
Keab: Stupid Greenpeace have moved in on the ruins of my lab claiming my explosions are killing forests.
Matt: Well it can't be green blowing up your lab once a month, right?
Keab: True but what do they expect?

*Matt puts a Blackadder coffee with some brandy squeezed out of a filled chocolate.*

Matt: That'll be £14.99 if you would please.
Keab: For you that's cheap.

*Keab hands over £15 then marches over to a table.*

Derek: I CAN EX-TER-MIN-ATE THE PRO-TEST-ORS IF YOU WOULD LIKE!
Keab: Derek, I saw your greenie-greenie act when you protested the slaughter act of chickens this time 3 years ago. Why don't you just join them?
Derek: BE-CAUSE THE PRO-TEST-ING HU-MANS ARE NOT CUTE OR FLUF-FY!
Matt: Derek, they were bloody chickens!
Derek: SO? I TOLD YOU THE STO-RY OF THE E-VO-LU-TION OF THE DA-LEKS AND IF YOU DID NOT BE-LIE-VE ME THE FIRST TIME THEN I WILL NOT BE RE-PEA-TING MY-SELF!
Keab: Just go join them - you're like them crying over chickens being slaughtered.
Derek: SINCE YOU WERE IN TORCH-WOOD I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT YOU WOULD HAVE KNOWN THAT THE VI-RUS IN QUES-TION WAS NOT THE STAN-DARD A-VIAN FLU!
Keab: Well yes... that was me accidentally spilling it... but seriously, you're just as bad as them!
Derek: IT'S JUST A FEW HUN-DRED CUTE, FLU-FFY AN-I-MALS! WE ARE MORE HAP-PY TO EX-TER-MI-NATE HU-MANS WITH-OUT QUES-TION THAN EX-TER-MI-NATING THE CHIC-KENS! THEY HAVE RIGHTS TOO YOU HEART-LESS BAS-TARD!
Keab: *sigh* Whatever. I can see I'm wasting my time arguing.
Derek: CO-RRECT! NOW LET ME GO BACK TO MY SWE-EPING! I CAN SEE A THICK LAYER OF DUST ON THE COOK-BOOKS IN THE KITCH-EN!
Matt: Shhhhhh... keep it quiet Derek. Do you want the health inspector to shut me down?
Derek: AS YOU WOULD PROB-ABLY FIRE ME, NO I DO NOT!
Matt: Then button it.
Derek: *Sigh* O-KAY.
_________________
Charles, PA Announcer and light show guy (and owner of C&X Group).

Keab42 · Posted: Wed Mar 24, 2010 3:12 pm Post subject:

*Keab is putting the finishing touches to a small robot on a table in one corner of the café*

Matt: I really wish you wouldn't use my café as a temporary lab.

Keab: I'm paying you aren't I?

Matt: Yes, but it's the principle of the thing. Think what a health inspector would say!

Keab: I think he'd be more worried by the sentient leftovers in your fridge than anything else.

Charlie: Nah, they ate the last one to come here!

Matt: SHUT UP!

*Keab tightens a final screw*

Keab: Done, now you can get back to ripping off commuters.

*The robot drives out of the Café and onto the platform, Keab & Charlie follow being chased by Matt waving a broom*

Keab42 · Posted: Sat Apr 03, 2010 10:38 pm Post subject:

*As Keab walks through the door Matt is pushing buttons on a remote control and getting more and more annoyed at the ancient television set mounted for customers to squint at*

Matt: It's the same on every channel
Derek: LET ME TRY PU-NY HU-MAN

*On the TV screen is a large eyeball*

Voice on TV: Prisoner Zero will vacate the human residence...

Electricfox · Posted: Sat Apr 03, 2010 10:59 pm Post subject:

*Electricfox walks through the door in quite a disheveled state, covered in pigeon droppings and feathers. No-one turns around from the television.*

Electricfox: "Hello to you lot too..."

*No one turns away from the television.*

Electricfox: "Tough crowd...I'll just go into the kitchen and help myself to-"

*A knife thunks into the wall a meter away from him.*

Electricfox: "You're getting better at that Matt...that actually missed me."

*He turns and looks at the television.*

Electricfox: "New series of Big Brother?"

Voice on TV: "Prisoner Zero will vacate the human residence..."
Electricfox: "Ah crap!"

*He vaults over the bar and runs out of the cafe, he is seen running towards the town.*
_________________
Jamie
The local 'Bobby'

Mattaf · Posted: Sun Apr 04, 2010 12:09 pm Post subject:

Matt: I don't understand... why would aliens want to incinerate my cafe?

Charlie: Besides your complete disreagard for health and safety?

Matt: ...quiet you.

Derek: Scans suggest that the message is being broadcast across the whole planet!

Matt: But... then... that means...

*Realisation dawns on everyone's face*

All: Oh crap...
_________________
Mattaf, Station Master
Scratchwood - "How the Rail Network Should be... sorta..."

charlierc · Posted: Sun Apr 04, 2010 5:35 pm Post subject:

Charlie: So we've got a couple of minutes at the most to save the world. Ok, no pressure then.
Matt: Yeah.
Charlie: Where's that Doctor bloke? Isn't he that chap who saves the world without breaking a sweat?
Matt: Something like that.
Charlie: Oh well. If we're going to die I saw we break out the champagne.
Matt: Something like that, yeah.
Derek: WHY ARE YOU TWO SO DE-FEAT-IST?

*Outside a lot of people are using their cameraphones to photo what appears to be something like a plastic seal over the planet. Meanwhile a spaceship with a giant eyeball on the base hovers low over the nearby shopping centre and begins scanning the planet.*
_________________
Charles, PA Announcer and light show guy (and owner of C&X Group).

Keab42 · Posted: Tue Apr 06, 2010 12:29 am Post subject:

*Charlie turns around startled*

Matt: What is it?
Charlie: I thought I heard maniacal laughter for a second.
Matt: But Keab is out on the platforms trying to poke one of those alien spacecraft with a stick.
Charlie: Must have been my imagination.

*Keab42 wanders in with a slightly charred stump of a stick in his hand*

Keab: Turns out they didn't like being poked. On the other hand I know what those giant eyeballs are doing.
Charlie: What?
Keab: They're scanning for alien technology.
Charlie: Ah...

Matt: What? Why is that bad?
Keab: You tell him
Charlie: Scratchwood has the possibly the highest density of extra-terrestrial technology anywhere on the planet.
Keab: I suspect they're assuming this Prisoner Zero chap will be using some and they'd track him that way.
Charlie: If he's here he's going to be in a lot of trouble right now. Those eyeballs will be drawn right here.
Keab: Indeed. Anybody seen Electricfox?

charlierc · Posted: Tue Apr 06, 2010 10:58 pm Post subject:

Charlie: I could swear I saw him running in the direction of the signalbox shouting something about several train accidents if he doesn't act sharpish.
Keab: Hmmm... if he has that alien technology robotic signalling device then its probably a good call.
Charlie: Anyway, since the entire fricking town uses alien technology in one form or another than the sodding giant eyeballs will be drawn to this place like iron filings to magnets.
Matt: I still don't understand - why don't they try somewhere else? This isn't the only place with alien technology.
Charlie: No but its certainly one of the most alien-tech reliant. I mean that sodding tower I file frigging million-dollar insurance claims with is built partially from alien materials we found somewhere near Newcastle.
Keab: I still don't get how you built that thing.
Charlie: It was already there when I moved in so frankly, I don't either. But is that a priority right now?

*There is a crashing noise from outside, and a lot of Dalek-sounded moaning*

Keab: From the sounds of it Derek has crashed into the station roof while trying to evade the scanners.
Charlie: Are you sure about that?
Keab: Well the strand of Dalekanium that has just hit the ground will tell you that.
Charlie: Ah. Good point.

*Matt looks out and spots a gold strand on the platform.*

Matt: *sighs* I'll get the crowbar. I swear his casing must've been weakened by all the tweaks we've been making to him.
_________________
Charles, PA Announcer and light show guy (and owner of C&X Group).

Electricfox · Posted: Wed Apr 14, 2010 3:16 pm Post subject:

*A Dalek shaped shadow falls over the frosted glass on the platform facing windows. It moves towards the door which then swings open.*

Derek: "I RE-TURN!"

Matt: "Derek? What the hell happened to your paintwork?"
Derek: "THE HU-MAN DES-IG-NATED KEAB42 HAS RE-PAINT-ED ME FOL-LOW-ING A MI-NOR IN-CID-ENT WITH A TRAAIN!"
Matt: "But...camouflage green?"
Derek: "WHAT? SWITCH-ING SCAN-NERS TO EX-TER-NAL MODE!"
Matt: "You didn't check when he finished...did you?"
Derek: "AAAAH! WHAT HAS HE DONE TO MY BEAU-TI-FUL GOLD PAINT-WORK?!! SEEK...LO-CATE...EX-TER-MIN-ATE!!"

*He exits the cafe.*

Matt: "Ho boy..."
_________________
Jamie
The local 'Bobby'

Mattaf · Posted: Thu Apr 22, 2010 1:34 pm Post subject:

*Matt is reading the paper*

Matt: Huh... apparently they're speed testing a new A1 today. Should be coming through hear any...

*From outside, a loud steam whistle is heard, followed by a crash and several daleky screams of terror.*

Matt: What the...
_________________
Mattaf, Station Master
Scratchwood - "How the Rail Network Should be... sorta..."

charlierc · Posted: Sat Apr 24, 2010 11:28 am Post subject:

*Derek trundles into the cafe.*

Derek: MAS-TER! I HAVE RE-TURN-ED!
Matt: Oh good. By the way Derek, I've enlisted a few more Daleks to help out.
Derek: UM... WHERE DID YOU GET SUCH DA-LEKS?
Matt: Oh they were hit by a train and got in a slagging match with me and are now cleaning.

*The Mighty Morfin' Power Daleks trundle in.*

Scientist Dalek: WILL SOME-BODY PLEASE EX-TER-MI-NATE THE NA-RR-ATOR AL-REA-DY?
Supreme Dalek: IN-FE-RIOR DA-LEK DE-TEC-TED! EX-TER-MI-NATE!

*The Supreme Dalek shoots but misses and hits a window.*

Supreme Dalek: CO-LIS-SION WITH EARTH TRANS-POR-TA-TION DE-VICE SEEMS TO HAVE WR-ECKED TAR-GET-ING SOFT-WARE!
Derek: YES THAT TENDS TO HA-PPEN WHEN YOU GET HIT BY A TRAIN!
Supreme Dalek: SHUT UP AND STAY STILL SO WE CAN EX-TER-MI-NATE ME!
Derek: YOU HAVE TO CATCH ME FIRST! E-MER-GEN-CY TEM-PORAL SHIFT!

*Derek leaves.*

Supreme Dalek: E-MER-GEN-CY TEM-PO...
Matt: OH NO YOU DON'T! You agreed to help out so no emergency temproal shifting before this place is spotless, you hear me?
Supreme Dalek: WE... ER... O-BEY?
Matt: That's more like it.
Supreme Dalek: DRONE DA-LEK, BE-GIN THE PRO-CESS! THE REST OF YOU, TAKE FIVE!
Drone Dalek: WHAT?
Supreme Dalek: DO YOU DARE QUES-TION YOUR SU-PER-IOR OF-FI-CERS OR-DERS?
Drone Dalek: OF COURSE I DO NOT!
Supreme Dalek: THEN GO TO WORK!
Drone Dalek: I O-BEY!

*The red Dalek begins cleaning the tables, which have a particulary nasty stain on them.*

Matt: Jesus, I hope Derek's ok.
Supreme Dalek: I HOPE HE LANDED UP-SIDE DOWN!
_________________
Charles, PA Announcer and light show guy (and owner of C&X Group).

Electricfox · Posted: Sat Apr 24, 2010 6:19 pm Post subject:

*Supreme Dalek enters from the platforms.*

Supreme: "THIS IS NOT EM-PLOY-MENT! THIS IS TOR-TURE!"
Drone: "I CONCUR!"
Scientist: "WE SHALL RE-TURN TO THE SHIP AND PRO-CEED TO EX-TER-MIN-ATE THE IN-FER-IOR DAAA-LEK DES-IG-NAT-ED DE-REK!"
Matt: "Not until you finished mopping the floor you won't!"
Drone: "YOU CAN TAKE THAT MOP AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR-"

*The train outside sounds its horn conveniently as it leaves, obscuring Drones words. The Daleks turn around and exit the cafe.*
_________________
Jamie
The local 'Bobby'